Saturday, February 9, 2013

Someday

I used to have a love-hate relationship with festive seasons, more so when it comes to Christmas, and New Year too since it is celebrated only a few days after the former and both are closely associated. At 12 a.m. sharp I would compose my own text messages, hoping that recipients who consist of those that I care about the most would feel the sincerity, albeit in its electronic form. Yet lately I seem to have lost that enthusiasm, that fire which kindles my heart to share the spirit of whatever festivity, and I say so solemnly. I sometimes find myself lamenting the fact that what used to mean a lot to one would eventually lost its meaning somehow, though in some remote cases there are exceptions. Mostly what's left are broken memories, remnants of our former selves which we are unable to let go, and believe me they will forever be there, haunting us wherever we go. My mouth remains shut, though my eyes see, and it's excruciatingly difficult to play dumb; there will always be words that are thought of which remain unspoken.

Perhaps I have built a wall around myself lately, severing the connection to my inner-self which at times is just too sentimental, or temperamental to be precise. No one likes to be an emo, at least not me if I have the liberty to choose. And so I sealed the beast away, taking away my will to fight, to love, to hate, or to do anything passionately at all at the same time. For example, I really feel crushed when master's and work go head-to-head in the battle for my attention. At the end of the day I will force myself to get things done but honestly, I could have done better. Something is missing, I know it deep inside. Gone are those carefree days, and I must admit I miss them dearly at times. Whenever I contemplate about life there'll always be stress, guilt, pain, anger and whatnot. I live in a world where judgement is passed like nobody's business, everyone is so fueled with hate that nothing good comes out of their word or action. Being a part of the society, I too have the tendency to judge others based on personal standards; it's not fair of course, just the way it's meant to be. When we say something about someone, we often say it for the sake of saying it: Do I really want to know what others might think? I'd rather have people agreeing with me.

Communication still fails, despite the rapid advancement of technology. You can log into Facebook, YouTube etc easily in this era, and even though there are nice things to see and nice people to meet, they will always be overshadowed by haters with their hateful remarks: iOS vs Android, political party A vs political party B, friend vs friend, family member vs another family member even. Sometimes it makes me wonder what makes people so proud bringing their argument or personal life onto the stage for the whole world to see. Then again, people are willing to do anything to attract attention nowadays, and by anything I'm referring to the not so good ones. "Oops, I look so ugly today please check out my cleavage instead." "Your kind of people are dumb and should burn in hell for being so stupid." The list goes on but you get what I mean.

By being intolerable, inconsiderate and ignorant, we are actually killing ourselves and the whole world slowly. Yet we are so proud of ourselves that we disregard those that we deem insignificant. How many tales have we heard about people who regret that they have taken things in life for granted, that they wish they could have done more of something to help? Perhaps we will never know until it's all too late, and blame human nature for that afterward.

I pray that God will grant me humility, even if it means I have to go through failures, so that I will always remember my place in this world; teach me how to be more considerate to others, more open to ideas that are different from mine, more grateful for what I have and above all, more diligent in becoming a better person. I wish that someday I could find closure with my past so that I can concentrate on the present and look forward to the future. Someday. 

Friday, September 7, 2012

Atonement


An awfully familiar scent 
picked up from a total stranger;
a bewildered me,
the invisible you.
It's nothing but old memories,
that are perpetually new.

Scars in time may fade away,
the ghost of you is here to stay.
Away from my dreams please go away,
you've painted my whole life gray.
We aren't so perfect to our dismay,
“说的做的再多也是无谓,
不愿放手只会让彼此更累。”
yet nothing I say could make you sway.

Your trust in me I foolishly betray,
无法原谅自己的愚昧,
learnt my lesson through the hard way,
当初不该将你的爱浪费,
guess sorrow's the price I have to pay.

Nights without you 真的好黑好黑,
when I'm crying alone 多想有个人陪,
even today 还是忘不了你的美。
Never will I put one's heart to play,
ever till my dying day.

Days and nights have since then passed,
you and I we broke apart,
如今你不再是囚鸟自由的飞,
我却依旧在为过往而忏悔。

On my death bed I feebly lay,
still regretful for the hurtful words I say.
truly wish that I could 回到过去擦干你的泪。
Atoning for my sins if I still may,
Lord forgive me this dragon I'll slay,
within me that's ruined everything that used to be okay.

I close my weary eyes after I pray,
finding peace eventually as life slips away.

Monday, August 13, 2012

感慨

大学毕业以后,人生进入了另一个阶段。在这人生旅途中,很幸运的遇到了许多一直以来包容我、扶持我的人;或者是家人、朋友、又或者是陌生的一张脸孔,这一切都不重要。

在累积美好回忆的当儿,岁月的流逝难免还是会为这短暂的人生带来一些些的感慨,毕竟完美这回事终究是可望不可及,一味的执著只会让所有事情更加的不堪。

旧地重游,曾经多么熟悉的一切竟然人事已非,叫人怎么不叹息岁月匆匆啊?道别后,昔日的情人知己尽已分道扬镳:有的事业有成、有的结婚生子、更有的两者皆如意。在为大家高兴的当儿,失落的心情也静悄悄的潜入了心里。虽然说这些年来都过得很好,却始终抹不去那一份若有所失的感觉。偶尔会不禁地问问自己,生命到底有什么意义。看来,我又开始情绪化了。

打从踏入职场后,悠闲似乎离得我好远好远。有些时候我真的好想放下肩上扛着的重担歇一歇,甚至是放下一切远走高飞我也在所不惜,走得越远越好。但人总是得活在现实中,即使我有多么的不愿,职责还是得要履行,且不单是为了我自己,也同时为家人、朋友、社会等的前途而打拼。衷心地希望有一天所付出的一切会为世界带来一丁点的美好,哪怕它有多渺小。值得与否,至少努力过就好。

懂我的人应该都知道我是多么的虚伪,为了保护自己而时常戴上不同的面具迎人。话说回来,知道了又如何?人,就是得随机应变,在这适者生存的社会里,更为如此。最近常把因果这词挂在嘴边,不是因为我害怕会遭天谴,也并非我奢望得到什么回报。简单来说,我从小就被灌输类似的一个概念:得饶人处且饶人;处在相同的情况下你希望他人如何对待你,你便如何对待他人。讽刺的是,如此一个概念常让我陷入为难中,尤其是当情况不允许我仁慈的时候,我却偏偏很不下心来。看来,要把这本性移掉的话恐怕非请愚公不可了。坦白说,我还是与周公交情较为深厚,所以狠心这一回事还是算了吧。

无论一个人言行上有多坏多冷酷,他的内心深处还是渴望着被疼爱与珍惜。不要放弃希望,更不要为了一些无谓的事情而迷失了自己。要知道,快乐并不全取自于自身的享受,而是在于将喜悦分享给他人当中。


P.S. 原以为想在此宣泄一下情绪,没想到中途却转了念,像个老人般地谈起人生来。无论如何,愿有缘听我倾诉的你生命中的每一天都是那么的美好。 :)






Monday, February 20, 2012

Patience makes patient

You'd think that it's easy being me. Well, can't really blame you for that because it does appear to be so most of the times. Throughout these years I've been learning how to control my emotions and it does seem in this case that I've done a pretty good job haven't I?


It's been quite a while since I last posted anything to my blog but today I'm not here for the sake of updating. "Many a time words that we don't mean get said; those that we do, they kept buried deep inside" (Myself, 2012). Have you ever wondered why our mouths can talk for so long and so eloquently yet only so little of which came out are meaningful? I can say for one that most often than not we talk faster than we actually think, that's why.


If there's one thing that I know for sure about life it'd be that you can never judge a book by its cover, just as pictures of most people found on Facebook can never be trusted. Let me give you another example: The tears coming out from a person's eyes could be brought about by joy and a person who is smiling could be hiding pain away. Having said all that, perhaps life should have a fine print on it that goes:"For illustration purposes only, actual product may vary."


Asked myself a question today regarding the significance of me babbling all these while since I always say what people want to hear and avoid those that are shunned or unpleasant to the ears. You can say that I have more than one face but I like to think of myself as truthful in a way. What is the point of starting an argument which I can foresee will only lead to endless predicaments and no conclusion whatsoever? Isn't life hard enough at times? Nevertheless, you'll be able to sense it if I like you or otherwise because I couldn't care less to put up a facade in front of others, more so if you are someone that I do not have a liking to. But what about the ones whom I love or appreciate?


The fact is: the more I like someone, the more I would keep a distance from them for fear of hurting each other. Now don't take this the wrong way for those who I always hang out and do crazy things with are in no way people whom I dislike, it just wouldn't make sense if that's the case. What I mean to say is that behind all the lame jokes and cruel remarks lies a vulnerable heart longing for a sense of belonging which lasts for eternity. When I am down on my knees I need someone to lift me up; when I don't think that I can go on anymore I need someone there to whisper strength unto me; merely the thought of this person is able to work miracles on me. I shouldn't be too demanding they say, yet nobody likes to have too many regrets in life and so do I. 


I am grateful because wherever I go I've met with many helpful individuals, without which I would've broken down beyond repair. I'm also thankful for all the things that God has granted me, including the trials and tribulations along the way meant for me to go through and come out as a better person. 


Long is the road,
heavy is the load;
Dark is the night,
where is the light?

Do what is right,
stand up and fight;
It'll come into sight,
a future that's bright.

Fear not of plight,
pray for wisdom and might;
For the shepherd will goad,
and relieve you of your load.

There are times when action is required to make things work but at times one can only afford to wait. If patience is a virtue I think I'm definitely getting there because I've been waiting, all thanks to the saying "good things come to those who wait". I'm still waiting, yet I do not know for what or whether it's worth the wait. But then again, what choice do I have?

Friday, September 9, 2011

领悟

About 2, 3 days ago I was surfing the web aimlessly like a zombie and suddenly I have the urge to listen to 领悟 by 辛晓琪. Yes it's one of those nights when emotions take over and I'm not even bothered to hold them off in case it gets overwhelming. What a classic! It is so melancholic and thus I can't help but to feel depressed.

How long has it been? Sometimes I have this feeling of disdain towards myself for being so selfish. I know I'm not supposed to vanish into thin air just like that but somehow I got lost. So many things have happened and ignorance brought me unspeakable guilt. I should have been there by your side. Should have. What's the point of saying it now huh?

Coming back to the song, its lyrics are actually pretty meaningful. However, it was the title that caught my attention - 领悟. For those who know Chinese or Mandarin Chinese to be precise, there're differences between 知道、了解 and 领悟. Correct me if I'm wrong but I guess it's fair for me to say that they each represent a different level of understanding and according to depth they should be arranged in this order: 知道 > 了解 > 领悟 where it gets deeper towards the end. So, what's so fascinating about it? Well, one has usually got to experience something in order for them to 领悟 and it just so happens to me that at this stage I have really got to be better at coming to realization with reality. Alas, with each passing day I become older but not wiser.

Everybody has a past: some choose to accept it, some try to deny it; some are happy with it, others, not so much. There are dark ages too in my history and some secrets are kept hidden in a place where I myself wouldn't even tread. The more I try to get rid of it the more it becomes like a ghost that just wouldn't stop haunting me. Add a troubled past to every day predicaments that keeps accumulating and soon you'll find yourself knee-deep in mess. Gloomy stuff but it's true.

As usual I'm struggling to find an equilibrium between something called everything. Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel and walk away. I'm not sure how much longer can I try to hold myself together. The funny thing is, there are some out there who are in a much harsher situation than me and yet they keep going on come hell or high water. Still, whining won't do me any good. See I "know" that I have got to do something and I "understand" that if I keep on slacking things will get ugly pretty fast. Then comes the "realization" that I only get to live once and therefore I have to get my priorities right.

[Monologue] I guess it's inevitable for me to make mistakes in the future but I have to get over them quickly instead of dwelling in the past hoping all that never happened like I used to. After I've learnt my lessons I shall try my very best not to repeat the same mistakes again. It is crucial for me to remind myself from time to time of: the things that I've said today, the resolutions that I sought to achieve, the faith that I've always hold onto and the fact that I live not only for myself, but others too whom I care for or who care about me.

Anyway, glad to know that I won't be alone on this journey called life for I have you.

Having said all that, I think I ought to stop here before I get too carried away. By the way, I chose to name this post 领悟 because it has depth, doesn't necessarily mean that its content would be relevant.

p.s. I'm sorry.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

蝴蝶

I've always known his songs but the idea of buying his original album 黑色柳丁never occurred to me, not even in dreams. Yet somehow it became the very first original album that I've bought and it happened back when I was still a secondary school student. Ah... The good old days. 


How delighted am I when I found out that all the songs contained in the album are beautiful. Speaking of which, something or someone triggered this writing and so here I would like to share one of his songs from the album with her and all of you as well. The title of the song is 蝴蝶 and the lyrics goes:


當這世界已經準備將我遺棄 像一個傷兵被留在孤獨荒野裡

開始懷疑我存在有沒有意義 在別人眼裡我似乎變成了隱形

難道失敗就永遠翻不了身 誰來挽救墬落的靈魂


每次一見到你 心裡好平靜 就像一隻蝴蝶飛過廢墟

我又能活下去 我又找回勇氣 你的愛像氧氣幫忙我呼吸

我又能呼吸 我又能呼吸 你就是不願意放棄



生命中充滿亂七八糟的問題 像走在沒有出口的那個迷宮裡 oh no

一次又一次只會用藉口逃避 怎麼你從來沒對我徹底的死心

我有何德何能值得你珍惜 為何你對我有求必應



每次一想到你 像雨過天晴 看見一隻蝴蝶飛過廢墟

是那麼的美麗 就像一個奇蹟 讓我從倒下的地方站起 Woo....

只要一靠近你 就覺得安心 你看著我的眼沒有懷疑

你對我的相信 讓我又能重生 不管世界多冷我還有你 我有你



愛我這樣的人對你來說不容易 我的痛苦你也經歷

你是唯一 陪我到天堂與地獄



每次一想到你 像雨過天晴 看見一隻蝴蝶飛過了廢墟

我能撐得下去 我會忘了過去 是你讓我找回新的生命 yeah..

每次一見到你 就心存感激 現在我能坦然面對自己

我會永遠珍惜 我會永遠愛你 在我心底的你位置沒有人能代替


yeah 你就是那唯一


Every time I listen to this song I get this warm fuzzy feeling coming out from the bottom of my heart. Never knew it was written for God at the first place but it is still relevant if we put it into other aspects of our life, for HE comes in many forms and so often we do not realize it. All which I mean to say is very simple: Have faith and we'll eventually get what we deserve. Above all else, we're always being loved, by one or many. ;)

Is there anything out there that matters more than this? 

Take care. ^^ 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Found something inspirational today and thought it'd be a good idea to share it. :)

"It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? for the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop. Growth is exciting; growth is dynamic and alarming. Growth of the soul, growth of the mind; how the observation of last year seems childish, superficial; how this year — even this week — even with this new phrase — it seems to us that we have grown to a new maturity. It may be a fallacious persuasion, but at least it is stimulating, and so long as it persists, one does not stagnate."


~Vita Sackville-West~


For more inspiring words from the author, kindly refer to http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Vita_Sackville-West.