Saturday, February 9, 2013


I used to have a love-hate relationship with festive seasons, more so when it comes to Christmas, and New Year too since it is celebrated only a few days after the former and both are closely associated. At 12 a.m. sharp I would compose my own text messages, hoping that recipients who consist of those that I care about the most would feel the sincerity, albeit in its electronic form. Yet lately I seem to have lost that enthusiasm, that fire which kindles my heart to share the spirit of whatever festivity, and I say so solemnly. I sometimes find myself lamenting the fact that what used to mean a lot to one would eventually lost its meaning somehow, though in some remote cases there are exceptions. Mostly what's left are broken memories, remnants of our former selves which we are unable to let go, and believe me they will forever be there, haunting us wherever we go. My mouth remains shut, though my eyes see, and it's excruciatingly difficult to play dumb; there will always be words that are thought of which remain unspoken.

Perhaps I have built a wall around myself lately, severing the connection to my inner-self which at times is just too sentimental, or temperamental to be precise. No one likes to be an emo, at least not me if I have the liberty to choose. And so I sealed the beast away, taking away my will to fight, to love, to hate, or to do anything passionately at all at the same time. For example, I really feel crushed when master's and work go head-to-head in the battle for my attention. At the end of the day I will force myself to get things done but honestly, I could have done better. Something is missing, I know it deep inside. Gone are those carefree days, and I must admit I miss them dearly at times. Whenever I contemplate about life there'll always be stress, guilt, pain, anger and whatnot. I live in a world where judgement is passed like nobody's business, everyone is so fueled with hate that nothing good comes out of their word or action. Being a part of the society, I too have the tendency to judge others based on personal standards; it's not fair of course, just the way it's meant to be. When we say something about someone, we often say it for the sake of saying it: Do I really want to know what others might think? I'd rather have people agreeing with me.

Communication still fails, despite the rapid advancement of technology. You can log into Facebook, YouTube etc easily in this era, and even though there are nice things to see and nice people to meet, they will always be overshadowed by haters with their hateful remarks: iOS vs Android, political party A vs political party B, friend vs friend, family member vs another family member even. Sometimes it makes me wonder what makes people so proud bringing their argument or personal life onto the stage for the whole world to see. Then again, people are willing to do anything to attract attention nowadays, and by anything I'm referring to the not so good ones. "Oops, I look so ugly today please check out my cleavage instead." "Your kind of people are dumb and should burn in hell for being so stupid." The list goes on but you get what I mean.

By being intolerable, inconsiderate and ignorant, we are actually killing ourselves and the whole world slowly. Yet we are so proud of ourselves that we disregard those that we deem insignificant. How many tales have we heard about people who regret that they have taken things in life for granted, that they wish they could have done more of something to help? Perhaps we will never know until it's all too late, and blame human nature for that afterward.

I pray that God will grant me humility, even if it means I have to go through failures, so that I will always remember my place in this world; teach me how to be more considerate to others, more open to ideas that are different from mine, more grateful for what I have and above all, more diligent in becoming a better person. I wish that someday I could find closure with my past so that I can concentrate on the present and look forward to the future. Someday. 

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